going home for Christmas

I have been listening to Christmas music for the last month and I am so excited about going home that I have to keep myself from bursting into happy tears all the time. I'm not usually an emotional person but I'll be folding laundry or washing the dishes and a song will come on and I'll have to start deep-breathing to keep the tears back. I really don't want to freak out my kids. I can just imagine them all grown up and recounting how hard it must have been for mom to take care of us all or something like that.

Anyways, one song imparticular always gets to me. It's "Going Home For Christmas" from Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas CD. Sometimes there'll be a lot going on and I won't really hear it when it comes on (safe!) and sometimes at that exact moment it'll be quiet and I'll resort to above-mentioned breathing techniques. This happened the other day and I decided that I would just listen intently and let my emotions well up and have a good cry. I thought I might feel better and be able to prevent future breakdowns. As I listened to the words of the songs I realized (and those of you who have this CD may already know this) that the song is really about the matriarch of the family who passes away and she's going home (read heaven) for Christmas. I was shocked and I felt a little betrayed that the song that gets my throat all knotted up is not really about returning to my family home for Christmas but about my grandma dying. It's actually sadder than I thought. I couldn't cry after that, it was just too much.

Needless to say I've taken that CD out of the CD player.