Wednesday, June 18, 2008

one of those days

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like your self-confidence is being attacked left and right? Yesterday was like that for me. It wasn't even about the kids or my skills as a mother but more about me, Sarah, the woman. I almost cried even. I just felt awkward in everything I did, especially when speaking Japanese, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and go home, eat chocolate and watch a movie. Which I didn't do since I'm trying to be more careful with what I'm eating. Sigh. Once I got home I realized that I'm probably just experiencing some PMS and that none of the stuff that happened was a big deal except to me so I decided to just let it go. But it sucked.

Actually the story above does show a recent change in my personal life: the ability to think. Or maybe, more precisely, the return of my ability to think since giving birth to Natsuki and all of her sisters. You know when you're pregnant and you forget what you're talking about midstream or after you've given birth and you're just happy that you were able to brush your teeth that day. It seems like I've been in that space of life for a LONG TIME and I enjoyed most of it and I love my kids but the ability to reason again has been wonderful.

I should admit that I've been using most of this reasoning power on problems that are not important to anyone but me. For example, I felt like recently after I do my make-up my eyes looked droopy. Normally I just wouldn't have time to think about this but with my renewed ability to think, I actually took five whole minutes and tried my make-up a few different ways until I figured out that the way I was applying my eyeliner was the problem. So I fixed it! Obviously this is only important to me and nobody noticed and it is a silly problem but I felt so empowered by the fact that I could actually *take* five minutes *and* come up with a solution.

During the last few months I've had this same experience with a lot of trivial things that were constantly plaguing me and it was amazing to be able to solve them quickly. Just imagine how much stuff I'll be able to get done when all the girls are in school. I'm almost giddy just thinking about it.

8 comments:

Tigermama said...

I totally understand...and I only have TWO kids and neither of them are toddlers anymore!

And go ahead and have a bit of chocolate! :)

Abigail said...

Since Joel will only be 7 weeks tomorrow I'm still in that "happy to brush my teeth" mode. I said a lot of the word "crap" today (I know, I know, it could've been worse!) and I hope Matthew doesn't start saying it now! I had one of those mornings, but my afternoon was a bit better, thank goodness.

I completely know what you mean about not being able to think through saying a whole sentence. I hate that. I always have tons I wan to talk to Stephen about but when he gets home from work I can hardly remember any of it.

Hannah said...

Yes, for the love of God, have some chocolate. And congrats on the makeup:)

Mom said...

Enjoy your season of clarity - mine has passed and I now have to work very hard to complete a sentence using words I used to know, or shorter, simpler words that almost mean the same thing....

Kim said...

I had one of those DON'T MAKE ME SPEAK JAPANESE days on Monday. The weekend of hubby and in-laws and Jun just latched on to all the Japanese she heard. I so needed an ENGLISH day! Chocolate and a movie would have been bliss. Other than Baby Einstein.

Gina said...

Sarah, you are the mother of 4. Not 1, not 2, or 3, but a mother of 4! Now I am not saying a mom with 2 or 3 doesn't have it hard, or even 1 is hard, so I know, you know that's not what I am saying at all. And even for me, with 2, it's hard sometimes. But you are a mother of 4 girls. Your daughters always look perfectly and well groomed nice, neat hair cuts and hair styles each and everyday. Cute clothes! You manage to do it all! And honestly you do it with grace. Sure you have tough times but for the most part you pull it off with ease! : )

So in my mind, you've earned your right to ponder your eyeliner. Heck you can ponder the calories in a stick of gum if you want, you deserve it! : ) You really do my friend! : )

I had the pregnancy brain and then I suffered the "mommy brain" thing with having my 2 sons. I often didn't have enough time to even shave *both* legs. Many a times I had one nice smooth shaved leg and one hairy cave man-esque type leg, lol! I had to put my own self and my thoughts on the back burner and my kids always in front. Now Noah is age 2 and next month he'll be age 3. I now have time to care about my thoughts and my own self (working out or beauty shop appointments, whatever), a bit now that they are both a bit older now.

I have regained my thinking ability too! Sometimes I think the silliest things or ponder what I should buy in the Nissen catalog next for example. Or, should I cut all my hair off and get it in a Vidal Sassoon type bob (this is my big question I have been pondering this week) and just again like you said, stuff that would only matter to me. But shoot.....I say we've earned the right to ponder things...even ponder them aimlessly if we want! You know what I mean?!!! : )

As for the language thing, some days I can communicate with ease, And I think, "wow I am doing great" and somedays, I can't get *one* single message across in Japanese. And I feel like, I'll never get it! I'll never learn Japanese properly! You're doing great and shoot, I just wanted to let you know, I understand. It happens to me sometimes too! : )

PS, got your email and I am in replying to you mode right now, ha ha ha! : )

Sara said...

I always feel like I can never really contribute to a lot of the motherhood/pregnancy related posts since I've just never had that experience...

But I did want to say that I hope you feel better! And that I really really salute you for keeping things all together (doing projects, keeping things organized etc) while having 4 little girls running around. I think I'd go crazy!

Its really hope that as time goes on you have a lot more relaxing personal time "think" about more things, as tivial as it may seem, if its important to you then I think its darn important :)

Sara said...

PS - Wow... I apologize for all the spelling errors in my post...
(how embarrassing)
I hope that you got the meaning behind most of it though.