Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like your self-confidence is being attacked left and right? Yesterday was like that for me. It wasn't even about the kids or my skills as a mother but more about me, Sarah, the woman. I almost cried even. I just felt awkward in everything I did, especially when speaking Japanese, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and go home, eat chocolate and watch a movie. Which I didn't do since I'm trying to be more careful with what I'm eating. Sigh. Once I got home I realized that I'm probably just experiencing some PMS and that none of the stuff that happened was a big deal except to me so I decided to just let it go. But it sucked.
Actually the story above does show a recent change in my personal life: the ability to think. Or maybe, more precisely, the return of my ability to think since giving birth to Natsuki and all of her sisters. You know when you're pregnant and you forget what you're talking about midstream or after you've given birth and you're just happy that you were able to brush your teeth that day. It seems like I've been in that space of life for a LONG TIME and I enjoyed most of it and I love my kids but the ability to reason again has been wonderful.
I should admit that I've been using most of this reasoning power on problems that are not important to anyone but me. For example, I felt like recently after I do my make-up my eyes looked droopy. Normally I just wouldn't have time to think about this but with my renewed ability to think, I actually took five whole minutes and tried my make-up a few different ways until I figured out that the way I was applying my eyeliner was the problem. So I fixed it! Obviously this is only important to me and nobody noticed and it is a silly problem but I felt so empowered by the fact that I could actually *take* five minutes *and* come up with a solution.
During the last few months I've had this same experience with a lot of trivial things that were constantly plaguing me and it was amazing to be able to solve them quickly. Just imagine how much stuff I'll be able to get done when all the girls are in school. I'm almost giddy just thinking about it.